A MIGHTY PUZZLE WAS THE CHURCH - LDS Hymn Parody #31

Yes, from the time I was a teenager, the Mormon Church was a puzzle to me.  So much of it just didn't make sense, but the message I received was that if I had issues, then I just needed to pray more, study the scriptures more, and be more obedient - and then it would make sense to me.  And believe me, I tried.  I accepted the proposition that it wasn't the church, it was ME - that I was not worthy enough to understand it all.  But regardless of how much confusion I felt, I kept plugging along, believing that if I just hung in there, one day it would all make sense.  Never happened.

When I began studying church history in preparation for going on a Mormon Church History Tour in the Summer of 2001, I immediately began to discover that there are all kinds of sordid details in Mormon Church History.  Naturally, my original reaction was disbelief - I must be misunderstanding something because these things couldn't have possibly taken place.  And then, when I came to terms with the fact that these were true accounts of what had occurred back then and all the lies laced throughout Mormon Church history and doctrine, I began to kick myself for not researching this earlier, for just going along and accepting it all without doing my own actual research.  In my opinion, this is one of the biggest problems with the Mormon Church - encouraging people to accept everything they are told and highly discouraging them from delving any deeper on their own.  Blind faith rather than actual reasoning or critical thinking.  Of course, since the church gives people the message that going ouside the "authorized areas" is a big No-No, it creates the type of situation where people "just believe."  But just believing based solely on what a person is told is not wise.  But that's what most Mormons do and seem to be just fine with it.

I am so glad that the Mormon Church is not a puzzle to me anymore.  I am very grateful that I finally broke the mold and began to research outside the "accepted parameters."  Of course, when I discovered that one of the characteristics of a cult is highly discouraging its members from researching outside what they have outlined as "accepted reading," I began to see the Mormon Church in a much different light.  Little did I know, all those years ago, when people told me that the Mormon Church was a cult, and I disagreed, becoming very annoyed that my church was being put in that highly offensive category, that they were actually right.  Live and learn.

And so, here is my latest hymn parody...

A MIGHTY PUZZLE WAS THE CHURCH

Sung to the tune of A Mighty Fortress is our God, #68

A mighty puzzle was the church,
For many years, I struggled.
No matter what I read or heard,
So many issues lingered.
And so, through my research,
I found the Mormon Church
Is filled with many lies,
And so I must surmise
That Joseph Smith just made it up.

So when I left the Mormon Church,
Enormous burdens lifted.
The puzzle had been solved at last,
And all confusion ended.

Where I was once devout,
I simply have no doubt
That it is just a ruse
For which there’s no excuse,
Religious cult that’s full of lies.

Apostates seek to know the truth,
And see behind the curtain.
They don’t accept what they are told,
They want to know for certain.
They see through the façade,
Believe that it’s a fraud,
Reject what is not true
With an objective view,
And aren’t afraid to speak the truth.

It was not easy when I left,
With family members active.
But though they may not understand,
The truth is my one motive.
For once I saw the lies,
There was no compromise.
I knew that if I stayed,
It would be a charade,
And now I live authentically.

© Diane Tingen, 7/15/2011

So many Mormons just stand there, staring at the missing puzzle piece,
not allowing themselves to take the leap and do their own research.
I will be forever grateful that I finally took that leap...

DID YOU STOP TO THINK? LDS Hymn Parody #23

Another LDS Hymn Parody.  This one is set to Did You Think to Pray, #140, and highlights what happens when people simply attempt to shelve their doubts and try to be faithful in spite of all of the questions that are mounting in their brains.  My reaction to that situation was to simply put all my issues on a shelf and pretend they weren't there - to keep moving forward in the Mormon mindset without really analyzing or examining any of it in any detail.  For a very long time, I truly believed and followed the admonition that says, "When the Prophet speaks, the debate is over."  Not a wise move on my part at all.

When I finally did begin to do my own independent research, I was 50 years old and preparing to go on a Mormon Church History Tour.  I wasn't looking for anything to latch onto to fuel my impending apostasy, but rather simply wanted to know more about church history so I would be more versed when we visited the key places.  Boy, was that an eye-opener!  The more and more I read, the more I became convinced that it was a hoax from the very beginning, and that since then, the Church leaders have worked hard to perpetuate the fraud.

I will say that there had been things over the years that had bothered me.  And that is where my shelf came in handy.  Sticking those issues on that shelf and then trying to pretend they didn't exist did work for quite a while.  But once I added all the information about Mormon Church history to the pile, it began to fall.  For a while, I tried to hold it up and keep it all intact, thinking that perhaps I was misunderstanding it all - that if I prayed more, studied more, and tried to be even more faithful, that I would come to understand where my conclusions had gone wrong.  But in the end, that didn't work and the shelf came tumbling down completely.

Of course, TBMs (true, believing Mormons) don't agree with my views - and that is their prerogative.  But I truly hope that what I am presenting here will help them to open up their eyes and at least do some independent research so they will know what is contained in Mormon Church history and what its real doctrines entail.  Until a person does that, they cannot "know beyond a shadow of a doubt" (as so many Mormons say in bearing their testimonies) that what they are adhering to religiously is the Word of God - or that the LDS Church truly is the "one and only true church on the face of the earth." 

DID YOU STOP TO THINK?
Sung to Did You Think to Pray? #140
(aka Ere You Left Your Room this Morning)

When you read the Book of Mormon,
Did you stop to think?
Did you see anachronisms,
And the many contradictions,
Clearly out of sync?

(Chorus)
Oh, how thinking makes us stronger,
We must always sort it out.
So when questions keep arising,
Do not squelch your doubt.

When you heard about church history,
Did you stop to think?
Did you read yourself and study,
Not accepting every story
Each and every kink?

(Chorus)
Oh, how thinking makes us stronger,
We must always sort it out.
So when questions keep arising,
Do not squelch your doubt.

When you listened to the Prophet,
Did you stop to think?
When you heard what he professes,
Did you give up your own choices,
And completely shrink?

(Chorus)
Oh, how thinking makes us stronger,
We must always sort it out.
So when questions keep arising,
Do not squelch your doubt.

When your brain began to whisper,
"You should stop to think,"
Did you simply shelve the problems,
Watching them turn into volumes,
Closer to the brink?

(Chorus)
Oh, how thinking makes us stronger,
We must always sort it out.
So when questions keep arising,
Do not squelch your doubt.

When your doubts began to fester,
Did you stop to think?
Did you go into denial,
Trying hard to just be faithful,
And the Kool-Aid drink?

(Chorus)
Oh, how thinking makes us stronger,
We must always sort it out.
So when questions keep arising,
Do not squelch your doubt.

© Diane Tingen, 6/28/2011

LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL

Thinking some more about life and its meaning, I began thinking about the years when I felt as though I was in complete darkness, as though there was no light at the end of the tunnel in which I found myself.  Very depressing.  Looking back, I realize that these years were so dark because of the circumstances in which I was caught - such as during my second marriage to a man who was extremely controlling and became abusive to me, first verbally, then emotionally, and finally physically.  And yes, those were depressing times - and after getting out of that situation, I did begin to feel better.  But the darkness never really went away completely until I began to realize that it was actually much deeper than that because I was living my life as a Mormon, and that way of life wasn't making me happy.  And though I kept trudging onward, I felt as though I wasn't getting anywhere worthwhile.

Finally, though, after discovering the truth about Mormonism, I began to feel better overall.  Being essentially buried in its lies, contradictions, cover-ups and deceptions for all those years was very debilitating, constantly trying to rationalize my way through the maze.  And in the midst of that journey is when I began seeing a light at the end of the tunnel in which I had been living my entire life.  One of the best decision I have ever made was going on a Mormon Church History tour in the summer of 2001 - because that trip prompted me to actually study Mormon Church History to learn more so I would be more informed about key events and places.  Of course, that was the beginning of the end for me as I discovered so much information that had evaded me for so long (or that I had simply ignored).

Sometimes good things come out of bad circumstances - and that was the case for me.  It was during my ill-fated third marriage that I went on that trip, and it was basically because my ex-husband's mother was a travel agent who planned these trips every summer that I ended up going.  So even though some seemingly bad things happened during my third marriage (including our joint excommunication), it brought on a series of events that lead to my discovering the truth behind the Mormon Curtain - and the light at the end of the tunnel where the darkness breaks into light.  Very life-affirming.

Of course, Robert Lovell once said, "The light at the end of the tunnel is just the light of an oncoming train” - but hopefully, he's not right.  On the other hand, someone else said (identity apparently unknown):  "The light at the end of the tunnel is not an illusion.  The tunnel is."  And I prefer to agree with that philosophy. 

"BORN AND RAISED MORMON"

I used to very proudly say that I was "Born and Raised Mormon."  But now, that fact seems very detrimental to me.  Perhaps when a person is born and raised in any religion, they tend to just go along from an early age, accepting everything at face value.  Never digging deeper to find out what's really behind the curtain.  Never really thinking about it all or asking any in-depth questions.  Of course, that scenario may not be true for some "Born and Raised Mormons" or some people in other religions, but unfortunately, it was very true for me - and that is something of which I am not proud at all.  There's simply no excuse for ignorance.

Of course, there is the aspect of brainwashing involved.  Being programmed from a very early age.  Being told that something is true from the time of your earliest memories tends to distort reality and make what you are told seem absolutely real and genuine.  And since in the Mormon Church, people are told to only read and study materials that are "authorized," the extent of materials to which most Mormons are exposed is very limited.

Naturally, the term "propaganda" comes to mind.  Although the Mormon Church looks at anything written contrary to what the Mormon Church teaches to be "anti-Mormon propaganda" when much of it is simply highlighting the truth as it really is, pointing out the lies, deception and contradictions that are blatant within Mormon doctrine and history. 

But in reality, the Mormon Church is steeped in the "propaganda" realm.  The church dishes out "propaganda" on a regular basis to its members until their minds are so cluttered with it all that it is difficult to sort out what is true from what is not.  Fast and Testimony Meeting is a prime example of "propaganda" and "brainwashing."  Seeing all those people stand up in church on the first Sunday of every month and say the same rote phrases (like "I know the truth is true beyond a shadow of a doubt" and "I know that Joseph Smith was a Prophet of God") is a very calculated way of indoctrinating the masses and creating "sheeple," something Mormonism seems to have down to a science.

When I read the following quote, it really hit me:

"The oblique paradox of propaganda is that the lie in the throat becomes, by repetition, the truth in the heart."  ~John Grierson

Of course, this is what the Mormon Church is counting on.  Repeating deceitful church doctrines and teachings, over and over again.  And through this process, these fallacies seep into the core of all of its members.  If you tell a person something often enough and long enough, it becomes their reality - and to them, it is true.

It wasn't until 2001, a couple of months prior to going on a Mormon Church History tour, that I began to research the truth behind Mormonism.  At first, I simply wanted to know more about church history prior to going on the trip so I would be more "well-versed" when I visited the key places.  But once I began discovering the truth behind the facade, and I began to look at materials which shed new light on much of what I had believed since childhood, that I began to realize that what I had been told was simply not true. 

One by one, I began to discover the truth about polygamy, polyandry, the differing versions of the First Vision (totaling at least nine), the truth behind why Joseph Smith was arrested and incarcerated in Carthage Jail as well as his supposed "martyrdom," the Book of Mormon, the Book of Abraham, the Kinderhook Plates, Blacks and the Priesthood, and on and on - and as I did, I began to realize how blind I had been over the years.  At that point, the following quote began to take on new meaning - "There are none so blind as those who will not see." (Attributed to Thomas Chalkley, circa 1713, but most likely based on the Biblical verse in Jeremiah 5:21, "Hear now this, O foolish people, and without understanding; which have eyes, and see not; which have ears, and hear not.")

In everyone's lifetime, people occasionally come upon pivotal moments or crossroads.  As Robert Frost said in his poem "The Road Not Taken": 

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, 

And sorry I could not travel both 

And be one traveler, long I stood 

And looked down one as far as I could 

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair, 

And having perhaps the better claim, 

Because it was grassy and wanted wear; 

Though as for that the passing there 

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay 

In leaves no step had trodden black. 

Oh, I kept the first for another day! 

Yet knowing how way leads on to way, 

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh 

Somewhere ages and ages hence: 

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— 

I took the one less traveled by, 

And that has made all the difference.

Very poignant poem that makes a very profound point.  It reminds me of a few experiences in my life, but most vividly brings to mind my journey away from Mormonism. 

So from 2001 to 2004, I found myself at a very pivotal point in my life - a definite crossroads - as I struggled with what I had been taught and had believed my entire life.  At first, I was very confused as fear and doubt took over my psyche.  After all, I was ripping up and examining the very foundation of my life since Mormonism had always been practically my identity.  But at times, I would feel hope and wonderment, and that's what kept me going on the path toward final acceptance of the fact that I had been living a lie.  When I found the graphic rendering posted here, it really hit home since these are the emotions I dealt with during this time frame.

In the end, though, as I sorted through all of the information I had uncovered along with all of these emotions, I began to realize that I couldn't reverse the process through which I had gone.  I couldn't go back in time to return to the state of blissful ignorance I had dwelled in for so long.  Of course, when I was still Mormon, I had some questions and issues (such as the role of women in the church and what I perceived as a double standard), but I had successfully put those things on my "shelf" up until that point.  But as I came to terms with this newly-discovered information, I was unable to put anything more on my "shelf," and it all came tumbling down.

In looking back at my life, I do have some regrets.  One of my regrets is that I didn't become more intellectually curious at an earlier time in my life.  Perhaps if I had researched the doctrines, teachings and history of the Mormon Church in more detail and on an independent basis, not relying solely on what I was told or read from "authorized" sources, I would have discovered the truth much earlier.  Unfortunately, I spent 52 years as a Mormon simply because I paid too much attention to what they told me to believe.  One of my other regrets is that I did not tell my father that I had disassociated myself from the Mormon Church before he passed away.  He died in May 2006, and although I left the church in 2004, I never told him that I had left the church - and why.  Of course, since he was 90 years old in 2004, I knew that if I told him, that it would very possibly drive a wedge between us since he was very pious and dogmatic about Mormonism.  So that was my rationale.  And since he lived in Utah and I lived in California, it was rather easy to live that charade.

But still, although I regret not telling my father about my apostasy and why I left the church, I am grateful that I am now living a completely authentic life.  And of course, getting caught up in the "shoulda, woulda, coulda" mindset only succeeds in putting negative vibes in a person's life, so I have shed all of that and am moving forward with a positive attitude.  Finally being true to who I really am - and not living a lie.  And that's enough for me.

LEAVING? HOW CAN ANYONE STAY WHEN...

I was on Facebook earlier this week and saw a link to a website called http://www.dovesandserpents.org/, and in particular to a post entitled "Leaving."  After reading it, I couldn't help but think about why I left the Mormon Church, and in doing so, of course, I felt compelled to post a comment.

This was the comment I posted:

Yes, making the decision to leave is hard because Mormonism becomes so engrained in your psyche due to the brainwashing and programming that goes on. I was born and raised Mormon by two very TBM parents. I went through Primary, Young Women and 4 years of Seminary. I went to BYU for two years. I was married in the temple. I was active and believing for many, many years.

Then in July 2001, I went on a Mormon Church History Tour. Beforehand, I decided to do some research about church history so I would know more about the details when I visited the key places. Being born and raised Mormon, I had just gone along for so many years, believing what I was taught. But at the point, I felt like I needed to know about church history on my own in order to get as much as I could out of the trip. As it turned out, that was the beginning of the end for me as I began to discover all the lies, deceptions, cover-ups and contradictions behind Mormonism. In the process of my research, it became increasingly crystal clear to me that Joseph Smith made the whole thing up — and because of his charisma and con-artist background, he was able to get a lot of people to believe and go along. How can anything good come from something that is built on lies? And so many lies. The differing versions of the First Vision and the fact that the “official” version wasn’t even written down until 1838, which was 18 years after the vision supposedly took place, and at a time when the church was losing many members due to the excommunications of Oliver Cowdery and the Whitmer brothers for opposing Joseph Smith on his practice of polygamy (so the First Vision was “beefed up” to say that Joseph Smith saw Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ whereas previously he had only said that he had seen “heavenly personages”)… the truth behind polygamy, the name Fanny Alger, and the fact that Joseph Smith had 33 wives including 11 teenage brides, in many cases behind Emma’s back and without her knowledge and/or consent (which goes against what D&C 132 outlines)… the truth behind the supposed “martyrdom of Joseph Smith” and why he was really in Carthage Jail since in reality he was not a martyr but simply a criminal having ordered the destruction of the Nauvoo Expositor (and the burning of the building in which it was housed) after William Law and some others published a story exposing Joseph Smith’s practice of polygamy… the fact that Joseph Smith had a gun in Carthage and fired shots defending himself… the truth behind the Kirtland Bank, the financial fiasco including charges of counterfeiting, etc, etc…

Discovering all of this really shook my faith, so much so that when I got home from the trip, I decided to continue my research. That is when I discovered the truth behind the Book of Abraham and the fact that the papyri were simply Egyptian funeral scrolls and Joseph Smith’s “translation” of them was bogus… the truth behind the Book of Mormon, the anachronisms, and the strong possibility that the entire book was plagiarized, most likely from writings of Solomon Spaulding… the truth behind Blacks and the Priesthood, and the very real possibility that when the Blacks were given the Priesthood in 1978, it was because the Mormon Church was being threatened with getting their tax-exempt status taken away (as was the case with Bob Jones University, which did indeed get their tax-exempt status taken away in 1980 due to their discriminatory dating policy).

Because of all this, I finally came to the conclusion that I had to disassociate myself from the Mormon Church. At that point, I couldn’t fathom staying in a religion that plays so fast and loose with the truth.

Interestingly, it wasn’t until after I had already left that I discovered the practice of polyandry and the fact that Joseph Smith married 10 women who were already married to living husbands. This is in essence religiously-condoned adultery, and even went against D&C 132 in its entirety. What gave Joseph Smith the right to marry other men’s wives? What gave him the right to commit adultery in the first place? It all boils down to the fact that he was out of control and thought he could get away with anything. 

I have never regretted my decision to leave the Mormon Church – and I have a very hard time understanding how anyone who knows these things could possibly stay.
_______________________________

So that was my post.  It's all so clear to me.  As far as I am concerned, the bottom line is THE TRUTH.  And it really pisses me off when people lie to me. 

ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE INFORMED MIND

I have often thought about how incredibly wonderful it would be if Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was real, meaning the ability to have a procedure to remove from my brain the memories of certain people and events in my life.  Of course, the procedure turned out to create many more problems in the movie rather than solving them, proving not to be the great process that it was originally purported to be.  But isn't that the way it is with most things in life?  The grass is greener syndrome.

But still, at first glance, removing certain memories from my mind seems like a good idea.  Ones that have gotten caught in my consciousness and won't "let go."  Like my three ex-husbands.  Boy, would I like to forget them and what they put me through.  But of course, since my marriages to them permeated my life during my daughter's growing-up years, removing memories of them would also alter memories of those years in general, and I don't ever want to forget the wonderment surrounding her and being her mother.

And then, there are my many mind-numbing years as a Mormon.  What a can of worms that is.

But in reality, since what a person goes through becomes part of who they are, taking away any type of memories would alter the woman I am today - and I wouldn't want to do that either.  I am very proud of the woman who I have become, especially since I consider myself to be a very strong, competent woman who can take care of herself.  Without the experiences through which I have gone, though, I often wonder if I would have ever arrived where I am today.  Probably not.

One of the events that I have thought about including on my list for "Memory Expulsion" is my "Court of Love" which took place on April 11, 2002 and culminated in my excommunication from the Mormon Church.  But then again, even though it was an extremely humiliating experience, it did serve its purpose (and actually, it served several purposes).  At the time, I was going through a "crisis of faith," and I stupidly thought that perhaps if I "put myself right with the Lord" that I would also be able to come through that "crisis of faith" with my Mormonism intact.  At that time, I continued to hold on to what I had been told about "sinners" and their inability to have the "Holy Ghost" dwell with them.  You know... the prevalent Mormon theory that if there's something wrong, then it's YOU, not THEM or MORMONISM.  No, I bought the premise that all of the problems lie with ME, and that if I submitted myself to the process, and showed that I was ready to completely repent and do whatever was necessary to "make it right," then I would also be able to sort through what I had begun to discover about the history and certain doctrines of the Mormon Church. 

Some backbround.  In July 2001, I went on a Mormon Church History Tour with my then-husband.  His mother is a travel agent, and at the time, she was an annual organizer of these types of tours, having put together many during the preceding summers.  Since I had never been on one of these Church History tours, and didn't know very much about actual Mormon Church History, I decided that prior to going on this trek, I would do some reading and research so I would be more well-versed about certain historical events when we visited the key places.  What I began to discover, though, really "shook my faith," and I started to realize that I had been born and raised in a church with a very sordid history.  Of course, the more I discovered, the more I was also mad at myself for not doing reading and research about Mormon Church History prior to that time.  I had been a Mormon for 50 years at that point, so I began to feel very negligent in the way I had simply accepted everything about Mormonism from birth without actually researching on my own.

During this research period in 2001, not only did I discover the truth behind the many versions of the First Vision, but I also discovered that Joseph Smith wasn't really a religious martyr as I had been told over the years.  No, he was actually a criminal - and the reason he had been arrested and placed in Carthage Jail was because he had ordered the destruction of the Nauvoo Expositor printing press (and the burning of the building in which it was housed) after William Law and several other disaffected former Mormons had printed a story exposing the truth behind Joseph Smith's practice of polygamy.  When I discovered these facts, I began to realize that if I had been lied to about these events, then there was the very strong possibility that there were other very disturbing facts being hidden as well.  And boy, was I right.

So for several months before my "Court of Love," I struggled with what I had discovered about actual Mormon Church history.  In the same time frame, my then-husband (#3) and I were doing some things that were very questionable from a moral standpoint as far as the Mormon Church is concerned.  So while I was going through my "crisis of faith" because of what I had begun to discover about church history, I decided to "confess" certain things to my Bishop with my then-husband in tow.  In the process, he "confessed" as well, and naturally, the Bishop told everything we had said to the Stake President.  Before long, we were in the Stake President's office - and not long after that, we were told that we would need to have "Courts of Love."

As I stated above, the actual "Court of Love" was an extremely humiliating experience.  There I was, in the High Council Room in the Stake Center with 17 men - including the Stake President, his two counselors, 12 High Councilmen, my Bishop and my then-husband.  And when I say that I decided to "submit myself to the process," I mean that I told them my entire story, no facts withheld, from my first marriage (at 22 to a TBM RM who turned out to be a porn addict and who later was the cause of my daughter being exposed to porn at a very young age) to my second marriage (to a non-Mormon man who turned out to be verbally, physically and psychologically abusive... and who "converted" to Mormonism after 4 years of marriage when I was on the verge of leaving him) to my third marriage (to another porn addict... only now we're talking internet porn... as well as a sex addict and an alcoholic... and also a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who worked with teenage boys who were incarcerated for drug and alcohol problems... and with whom I ended up doing things that led to our being summoned there that day for the "Court of Love").  The things I told them that day made their eyes practically pop out of their heads because, believe me, I went in there with a "no holds barred" attitude.  I figured that if they wanted me to go through the "Court of Love," then I was going to give them their money's worth in addition to showing that I was, indeed, "submitting myself entirely to the process."  But more than anything, I remember the feeling I had during the time when I was in the High Council room with those 17 men.  Looking at them watching me, and listening to my rather sordid story, I couldn't help but think that they were actually simply "dirty old men" who were enjoying the details of my story and were somehow "getting off" on hearing what I had to say. 

After I finished telling my very sordid story, we took a short break before my then-husband's "Court of Love" was to begin.  When everyone returned and was walking back into the High Council Room, I began to walk back in there, too.  But then my then-husband turned to me and said that he didn't want me in his "Court of Love."  Of course, I was shocked because I had allowed him to attend mine - but when I told him that, he said that was my choice, but that his choice was to not have me in there for his.  I have often thought that he had things to tell these "gentlemen" that I didn't even know about - and that has always bothered me.  I mean, he knew everything about everything I had gone through, so to be told that I couldn't be there for his Court was very disconcerting to me.  To this day, I don't know what he said in that room, but I remain convinced that there was much, much more to his "story" than I know.

Of course, after the "Courts of Love" and the 15 men had met to consider our stories, we were told by the Stake President that we were both to be excommunicated.  At first, I was devastated - mainly because I had been Mormon my entire life and knew what typical Mormons think of people who have been ex'd.  I went through a very rough period for several months, and even separated from my then-husband for 6 months or so, but then I went back to my "Mormon place" and began to work on getting re-baptized.  That mindset lasted for a little over two years during which time the things we had done together continued to plague us to varying degrees, and because of that, the process was delayed over and over again.  Finally in 2004-2005, I started to face up to the fact that I had discovered deal-breaking information about the Mormon Church starting back in 2001 - and that's when I began to realize that my excommunication was actually a blessing.  So that's when my Mormon-ness began to shut down entirely, and I decided to leave well-enough alone and not seek to be re-baptized.  Best decision I ever made.

Looking back at my "Court of Love," I realize that it helped to cement my opinion that the Mormon Church is a male-dominated, male-oriented organization that deals in blatant double standards and tries to control people through guilt.  Making people feel like "sinners," and in particular making them think that they need to confess certain things to their Bishop and possibly their Stake President, and that depending on what is confessed, they may end up in a "Court of Love" is simply wrong.  In my opinion, this mindset shows a lack of boundaries, and is a total invasion of privacy.  I know that the reason I ended up in my "Court of Love" was because of the way in which I had been brainwashed over the years.  And it really pissed me off that I had succumb to the programming.

But regardless of that, here I am, 6 years later... and very happy with my decision to disassociate myself from Mormonism.  Of course, during the past 6 years, I have done even more research and have discovered even more about my religion since birth.  My catharsis has been aided by my writing 3 books - (1) one about my exit from the Mormon Church and my mountain of issues with it, and which is contained on this blog; (2) another one about my life in general, with obvious Mormon themes running through it; and (3) a third one containing poetry I have written over the years, including 6 "story poems" about various events in my life.  And it has further been aided by going on discussion boards at both PostMormon.org and the RFM board (at ExMormon.org), as well as attending the ExMormon Conference in SLC in October 2010.  Indeed, I am not alone.

And now, I'm blogging... in Outer Blogness where so many other ExMormons share their thoughts and experiences.  Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind may not be a possibility (and may not even be advisable), but I do know that Eternal Sunshine of the Informed Mind is a very powerful thing.  Discovering and uncovering what I have about Mormonism, and then ridding my life of its influence, has given me a new lease on life.  And talking about it all has provided me with the closest avenue to obtaining the peace and serenity that is alluded to in that process.

Yes, I'll take Eternal Sunshine of the Informed Mind every day... over blind submission to a religion that takes away actual thinking and all individuality.  As Oscar Wilde said, "A man who does not think for himself does not think at all."