23?!!

Wow, I have now written 23 hymn parodies.  Can't believe it!!  When I started writing these, I figured I would just write a few and that would be it.  But for some reason, they just seem to keep coming to me.  Almost the minute I finish one, another one starts coming to me.  But in reality, I have pretty much gotten hooked on writing these - plus it's very cathartic for me.

Something funny.  In response to a post on the Sharing the Gospel through Social Media page on Facebook (which was put up to honor Joseph Smith on the 167th anniversary of his death on June 27 - and his supposed martyrdom), I posted one of my hymn parodies, entitled "Who is the Man?"  This hymn parody is set to the tune of Praise to the Man, #27 (which IMO glorifies Joseph Smith almost to the point of deity).  Someone (obvious TBM) commented that it must have taken me a long time to write that hymn parody, that it wasn't very clever, and that I should be doing something more productive with my time.  Another TBM commented, though, that although it is obvious that I have "mad writing skills" (which I took as a big compliment), I am misusing my talents for this purpose.  Oh, well... can't please everyone, now can you?

As numbers go, 23 apparently has some significance - and even an "enigma."  According to the linked Wikipedia article, there is some interesting information about the number 23:

23 Enigma - refers to the belief that most incidents and events are directly connected to the number 23, some modification of the number 23, or a number related to the number 23.

The 23 Phenomena - Robert Anton Wilson cites William S. Burroughs as being the first person to believe in the 23 enigma. Wilson, in an article in Fortean Times, related the following story:  "I first heard of the 23 enigma from William S Burroughs, author of Naked Lunch, Nova Express, etc. According to Burroughs, he had known a certain Captain Clark, around 1960 in Tangier, who once bragged that he had been sailing 23 years without an accident. That very day, Clark’s ship had an accident that killed him and everybody else aboard. Furthermore, while Burroughs was thinking about this crude example of the irony of the gods that evening, a bulletin on the radio announced the crash of an airliner in Florida, USA. The pilot was another Captain Clark and the flight was Flight 23."

23 Skidoo - popularized in the early 1920s and means "it's time to leave while the getting is good." It appeared in newspapers as early as 1906.

The Number 23 - Movie starring Jim Carrey (released in 2007), about a man who becomes obsessed with the number 23 while reading a book of the same title that seems to be about his life.

There is more interesting information about the number 23 on this Wikipedia page.  I really like Wikipedia - in my opinion, it is a great compilation of information with reliable references noted for everything on the website.  But someone else on the Facebook page that I mentioned above criticized me for relying on what Wikipedia says (and LOL'd me for it).  That comment was in response to some information I posted about Parley P. Pratt and his murder (and supposed martyrdom).  As I told this person, if she doesn't like Wikipedia, then use Google for some other source, or read a book, or do something other than just accept whatever the Mormon Party Line dictates.  After all, it is historical fact.

I'm not sure how many more of these hymn parodies I will write, but since all the ones I've written so far have come fairly quickly, I will probably write several more.  And maybe I'll look into recording all of these hymn parodies on a CD.  Who knows?  But it's obvious I'm not going to follow the philosophy of 23 Skidoo...

Apparently, the sky's the limit (for at least, the Ex-Mormon Hymn Book)...

DEAREST MORMONS, DON'T BELIEVE IT - LDS Hymn Parody #10

Here is another hymn parody.  This is the other one in response to the request I received from the great great granddaughter of John Menzies Macfarland (1833-1892) to parody hymns written by him.

This hymn parody highlights the fact that after completing my independent research, I came to the conclusion that Mormonism was simply created by Joseph Smith, and that none of it is actually true.  It was all made up by Joseph Smith from his imagination, plagiarization, and input from some others (like Sydney Ridgon).  I think it's possible that he saw it as a good way to make money and gain power over people.

Indeed, as the picture states, he was two-faced - presenting himself one way to the "Saints," and yet he was an entirely different person privately, and in reality.  Since history shows that Joseph Smith was a shyster, charlatan, swindler and con artist, with a history of treasure-seeking and at least 7 arrests, it isn't hard to imagine him as such. Of course, my opinion of his character is backed up by what I discovered about the origins of Mormonism, including the Book of Mormon, Book of Abraham, the practice of Polygamy and Polyandry, the truth behind the supposed martyrdom since Joseph Smith was actually a criminal and not a martyr at all, etc. (more on all of this in other places on this blog and in my book, also posted on this blog).  And unlike many Mormons, I do not buy the explanation ala Rough Stone Rolling that Joseph Smith as a Prophet but also a flawed man.  To me, these concepts are mutually exclusive.

My point in writing this hymn parody is my firm belief that it is completely inadvisable for people to believe things without doing their own independent research.  Simply believing what others tell you to believe is relegating all of your power to someone else, and giving up your own power completely.  I mean, would you buy a car without researching its history?  Without examine its tires, interior and body?  Without having a mechanic look under the hood?  Without having the engine checked out and analyzed?  No, you would carefully consider such an important purchase.  So why is the acceptance of a religion given less thought than the purchase of an automobile?  Blind faith.  It's one thing if there is no actual evidence for or against a religion, but when there is a mountain of evidence against its validity, then it's not faith anymore but rather denial.

DEAREST MORMONS, DON'T BELIEVE IT

Sung to the tune Dearest Children, God is Near You, #96

Dearest Mormons, don’t believe it,
Mormon doctrine is a myth.
Mormon scriptures were invented,
By a man named Joseph Smith.
He’s a shyster, he’s a shyster,
Please don’t put your trust in him.

Dearest Mormons, it’s malarkey,
None of it makes any sense.
It’s not true, that is apparent,
Deceptive swindle so immense.
It’s a rip-off, it’s a rip-off,
Don’t believe a word they say.

All the Mormons, true believers,
Just believe, don’t question it.
Just believe because they say so,
But that just isn’t wise, a bit.
Simply question, simply question,
Blind acceptance makes no sense.

Mormons, don’t you know it’s drivel?
What they tell you to accept.
Tell them reason and your judgment
In the background can’t be swept.
Please do research, please do research,
For the truth, just Google it.

© Diane Tingen, 6/7/2011

TURN THE OTHER CHEEK???

Today is Monday, May 2 - the day following the news of the death of Osama bin Laden.  When I heard the news last night, I was relieved that this man will no longer be able to terrorize other human beings.  Yes, his organization (Al Qaeda) will still exist, but since Osama bin Laden was its founder and leader, hopefully his death will impact Al Qaeda negatively even if it doesn't dissolve completely (which would be the preferred outcome).  Of course, the impact that his death will have on the world and Al Qaeda remains to be seen.  Regardless, though, I agree with President Obama who said that "this is a good day for America."

After hearing the news and listening to the President's speech, I was astounded when I went on Facebook and saw the mixed reactions.  Some comments were positive and expressed relief and happiness as well as gratitude that Osama bin Laden had finally been brought to justice.  But other comments were somewhat negative, expressing feelings like "So what?" Some comments even said that he was "old news" and the only thing this did was to make him a martyr, basically inferring that it really didn't matter.  I disagree.  I think this is a very big deal, and is a positive development in the war against terrorism.  It may have taken almost 10 years after 9/11 to eliminate the evil forces that Osama bin Laden was hoisting on the world, but I see the fact that he is now dead and gone as very positive and encouraging.

This morning on my way to work, I was on a bus in downtown Denver, and a fellow passenger (male) was having a conversation with the bus driver.  During their exchange, the passenger said, "A man is dead, and we shouldn't be having a parade about it."  While I agree that death is not something to necessarily celebrate, I do feel that in this instance there is some jubilation inherent in the situation.  An evil man who masterminded the attacks on the World Trade Center on 9/11/2001 is now dead.  That is a good thing.  And even though I don't believe that the Book of Mormon is either true or actual scripture anymore, I do think the philosophy behind one of its scriptures does fit this occasion (namely, 1 Nephi 4:11-13) - and to paraphase it, "It is better for one man to perish than for an entire world to live in fear and terror."  In certain circumstances, I believe retaliation and vengance are in order.  And to me, this is one of them.

The man on the bus also asked, "What about turning the other cheek?," saying that the death of Osama bin Laden was not condoned by Jesus Christ or the New Testament.  The bus driver answered by saying that scripture does not apply in the situation.  He said that Christianity requires its followers to be humble, forgiving and to turn the other cheek when they are wronged.  But when the harm being perpetuated on that person is both harsh and repeated, they would be foolish not to retalitate and that Jesus Christ does not require them to be push-overs.  And I agree completely with what this man said.  Obviously killing Osama bin Laden will not bring back the people who have been killed because of his actions, but keeping him alive only makes his actions continue and the threat that he posed more looming and dangerous. 

In perusing articles on the internet, I came across one on http://www.beliefnet.com/, which I found to be very interesting.  That article is entitled, "The Limits of  'Turn the Other Cheek,' and in it, the author says the following:

The doctrine of nonviolence advocated by Martin Luther King is most commonly associated with the New Testament, specifically with Jesus' statement in the Sermon on the Mount: "Offer the wicked man no resistance.  On the contrary, if anyone hits you on the right cheek, offer him the other as well." (Matthew 5:38-39)

Although one might think that the example cited by Jesus (being slapped by a violent person) is uncommon, in fact it occurs quite often.  Many women, and a smaller number of men, are married to, or live with, a partner who slaps and beats them.  Does one counsel such people to accept abuse, to offer the other cheek, or rather tell them to immediately leave the relationship, and perhaps file a criminal complaint? I believe that the latter course - which rejects Jesus' advice both to "resist not evil" and to offer the other cheek - is not only more effective but also more moral.

It's worth noting that Jesus speaks of offering your other cheek to one who slaps you – a painful but not normally life-threatening circumstance.  It's not clear that he's also advocating that you allow yourself to be murdered rather than fight back.

Yet in the 20th century, people from Leo Tolstoy to Mahatma Gandhi interpreted Jesus' words to mean that one should be willing to die rather than fight back against a would-be killer.  I find this reading of the New Testament to be troublesome.  In any situation in which a would-be murderer confronts a potential victim, I believe that the world is a better place if the would-be murderer, rather than the intended victim, emerges dead from the encounter.  As Thomas Masaryk, the first president of Czechoslovakia and a great humanist, said in response to Tolstoy: "If someone attacks me with the intention of killing me, I shall defend myself, and if I cannot avoid it, I shall kill the attacker.  If one of us must be killed, let the one be killed who has the bad intentions."

Read more: http://www.beliefnet.com/News/2000/01/The-Limits-Of-Turn-The-Other-Cheek.aspx#ixzz1LEJQDi8L

While I think it is important that violence not be perpetuated, and that every slight should not be met with instant retaliation, I also think that people need to use their heads and decide when violence and retaliation are necessary.  Showing violent people that they are not dealing with a doormat is an important signal to send.  It shows that while others may not be looking for a fight, they are not going to turn away from such an altercation if the situation warrants it.

Time will tell what impact the death of Osama bin Laden will actually have on the world.  It may have none.  Al Qaeda may go forward, business as usual.  But at least the messages have been sent that we will not sit by idly and "turn the other cheek" - and that we as Americans are not doormats.  Those are very important messages to be sent and received.

Like I said in a Facebook post last night, "Whether or not bin Laden's death has any 'strategic importance in the long run' is really immaterial.  It is an important step in the war against terrorism, and it is very important for America in general, and the people who lost family members on 9/11 in particular." 

IT'S NOT A LIE IF YOU BELIEVE IT...

I love to watch reruns of Seinfeld.  So funny.  And there are so many quotes and situations from that show that have made it into normal everyday conversation.  The Soup Nazi.  Muffin Tops.  The Puffy Shirt.  The Big Salad.  Low talkers.  J. Peterman catalog.  Junior Mints ("They're so refreshing").  Art Vandelay.  Toxic envelope adhesive.  Yada yada yada.

Of course, the one here - "It's not a lie if you believe it" - is from an episode ("The Beard") in which Jerry Seinfeld was going to take a polygraph test as a result of a bet he made with a girl he was dating about whether or not he watched Melrose Place.  Interlaced through that episode are story lines about Elaine dating a gay man and thinking she could get him to "switch teams," and George wearing a toupee as he begins dating a bald woman (and Elaine ripping the toupee of his head and throwing it out the window because she says he's acting like a jerk - after which the bald woman breaks up with George).  That is one of the best things about Seinfeld episodes - the way in which so many story lines are intertwined.

That line - "It's not a lie if you believe it" - really says a lot.  Many people lie to themselves all the time - and the more the lie is told, the more it seems less like a lie and more like the truth.  Of course, involved in that process is a certain amount of delusion, especially when the lie starts to morph and transform into "the absolute truth" in the person's mind.  And usually when that happens, they close themselves off to hearing any opposing opinions - or the actual facts.

But what is worse, at least in my opinion, is when religious organizations lie to people.  After I began researching Mormon Church history, I began to realize just how many lies are present within Mormonism, not only in the telling of its history, but also in its doctrines and teachings.  Things that I had been taught from childhood on turned out to be filled with lies and half-truths.  Like Joseph Smith being jailed for his religious beliefs and being a religious martyr.  That is simply not true.  Joseph Smith was in Carthage Jail because he was a criminal, and was definitely not a martyr.  He was arrested because he ordered the destruction of the Nauvoo Expositor press and the burning of the building in which it was housed after its owners dared to print the truth about his polyamous ways.  I'm sorry, but those are criminal acts, and he deserved to be jailed for these actions.  And to paint him as a religious martyr is beyond delusional.

And of course, there are many other examples of lying within Mormonism.  The First Vision is a classic example.  The fact that there are at least 9 versions of the First Vision is very telling.  Joseph Smith just kept telling it and re-telling it until it morphed into the "official version" that the Mormon Church holds out today.  But the fact is that until the last version, which wasn't even written down until 1838 (18 years after the fact), the First Vision didn't even speak of Joseph Smith having a visitation from Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, but rather said that he had been visited by "heavenly personages" and/or "an angel."  It wasn't until a time when the church was losing many members due to the excommunications of Oliver Cowdery and the Whitmer brothers that Joseph Smith decided to "beef up" the First Vision to say that he had been visited by none other than Eloheim and Jesus Christ, two separate heavenly individuals.

Also, claiming that the Pearl of Great Price is scripture is an enormous lie.  Saying that Joseph Smith translated the Book of Abraham from Egyptian papyri is a blatant falsehood.  In fact, the more research I do, the more convinced I am that the Book of Mormon is a made-up piece of fiction, and that Joseph Smith no more translated it from golden plates than I did.

Lying for the Lord.  Despicable.  Unconscionable.  Reeling people in with lies in order to gain power over them, control them, and get them to hand over lots and lots of money.  Certainly not honest - and not Christian either.  But sadly, the Mormon Church is very good at reeling people it and trapping them for life.  And so these duped individuals live out their lives, believing in this bogus religious organization, convincing themselves that there is an explanation for it all - which we can't understand now, but if we endure to the end, after we shed this mortal coil, the truth of all these things will be made known to us, and then we will know that it was all worth it.

Delusional?  Yes.  But then, "It's not a lie if you believe it," right???

"SOME THINGS THAT ARE TRUE ARE NOT USEFUL"

This picture really says a lot to me.  On the left, of course, is a man who has uncovered the truth... but on the right is another man (presumably a "leadership" type ala Mormonism) quickly trying to shovel dirt back over the truth, saying "Some things that are true are not useful."  From what I have been able to find, this is a quote by Boyd K. Packer from a talk entitled "Do Not Spread Disease Germs!" (Brigham Young University Studies, Summer 1981).  In this talk, Boyd K. Packer went on to say, "I have come to believe that it is the tendency for many members of the Church who spend a great deal of time in academic research to begin to judge the Church, its doctrine, organization, and leadership, present and past, by the principles of their own profession.... In my mind it ought to be the other way around...."  Also, in that talk, he continued by saying, "Your objective should be that they will see the hand of the Lord in every hour and every moment of the Church from its beginning till now....there is no such thing as an accurate or objective history of the Church which ignores the Spirit.... Church history can be so interesting and so inspiring as to be a very powerful tool indeed for building faith. If not properly written or properly taught, it may be a faith destroyer..."

To me, these statements from BKP's talk speak volumes about Mormon Church history.  For him to admit that studying Mormon Church history "may be a faith destroyer" is very telling.  Of course, he prefaces that statement by saying that if the history is "not properly written or properly taught, it may be a faith destroyer," but of course the use of the word "properly" is subjective.  The standards by which he is defining the study of history are Mormon in nature.  Of course, human nature is to question things, to be curious, but Mormonism attempts to stifle those innate tendencies completely - and is very successful in doing so as far as many, many people are concerned.

On a blog entitled Not Very Useful Truth, I found the following statement:  "That I am totally enamored with the church now that my perspective has changed feels to many as if I am simply raging, but the reality is that the church is far more fascinating now that the sanitized and dogmatic presentation is transparent and the ugly warts are exposed.  The history is absorbing and feels so alive - there is so much more appeal in the complicated mess as opposed to the faith promoting spin the church sells.  It boggles my mind when I am told to put aside my interest in the real history and focus only on the positive when the "positive" is so often distilled to remove the impurities.  As I have said before, the real history is not a secret and becoming ever harder to hide for the curious and thoughtful member, but that history will feel like a slap in the face when stumbled upon in Google after being told something entirely different for years and years."

This statement brings up so much of what I have felt over the years since discovering the real history of the Mormon Church.  Finding out that I had been fed a white-washed and sanitized version of its history over the years definitely felt like a slap in the face.  My journey away from Mormonism began in 2001, and even though I was able to find certain things, I was still reticent to explore too far on the internet because of the programming and brainwashing imposed on me since childhood.  Was I looking at anti-Mormon propaganda?  Was I falling into a trap?  Was I believing information that wasn't true?  Was I looking at it all from the wrong perspective?  All of those questions, as well as many others, riddled my mind for a very long time.  That is why it took me over 3 years to finally disassociate myself from the Mormon Church completely.  I kept thinking that I must be misunderstanding it all - that I must be wrong because no one would lie like that.  Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately), I came to the conclusion that what I was discovering was indeed the truth, and what I had believed since childhood was just a web of lies.

In fact, after being away from the church for over 3 years, I suddenly discovered Polyandry.  I had researched a lot about the truth behind Polygamy and was very distressed by its realities.  The fact that Joseph Smith had 33 wives (when I didn't even realize that he had been involved in Polygamy, instead believing what I had been told about Brigham Young starting polygamy to help widows and orphans on the Trek West).  Fanny Alger, who was Joseph Smith's second wife and first polygamous wife (and the fact that Oliver Cowdery called Joseph Smith's liaison with her not Polygamy but a "dirty, filty, nasty affair").  Teenage brides (10 of them), including Helen Mar Kimball (14 years old) who was obviously coerced into marrying Joseph Smith by him telling her that if she married him, she would assure the eternal salvation of herself and her entire family (and was given 24 hours to give him her answer).  The stories of the Partridge sisters and the Lawrence sisters.  And on and on and on, ad nauseum.

So when I discovered the very disturbing fact that Joseph Smith had married 11 women who were already married to living husbands, I was dumbfounded.  It still upsets me that I spent 52 years in the Mormon Church and had never heard about polyandry.  But there was the evidence - right on the Mormon Church's own genealogy website, http://www.familysearch.org/.  Names like Lucinda Morgan Harris, Zina Huntington Jacobs, Prescendia Huntington Buell, Sylvia Sessions Lyon, Mary Rollins Lightner and others jumped out at me, and when I looked at their pedigree charts, I was blown away to discover that they had married Joseph Smith even though they were already married to other men - men who were living, who they had neither buried nor divorced.  How was this acceptable?  This was adultery, plain and simple.  Religiously condoned adultery.  Of course, it went against D&C 132 in its entirety, but it is obvious that Joseph Smith became so egotistical and comfortable in his position as a "Prophet of God," that he felt he could get away with anything.  And this practice of Polyandry is a prime example.

Of course, there were people who tried to go against Joseph Smith about Polygamy and Polyandry - including Oliver Cowdery and William Law, but they were promptly excommunicated for going against Joseph Smith as a "Prophet of God."  In fact, Joseph Smith's death was undeniably linked to Polygamy and Polyandry since it was after William Law had published the Nauvoo Expositor, exposing Joseph Smith's practice of Polygamy and Polyandry, and Joseph Smith ordering the destruction of the printing press and the burning of the building in which it was housed, that he was arrested and placed in Carthage Jail.  So although I had grown up and spent my entire life believing what I had been told about Joseph Smith being a religious martyr, the truth is that he was simply a criminal - and that is why he was in Carthage Jail when the mob stormed the jail and killed both Joseph Smith and his brother, Hyrum.  Interestingly, I recently discovered that Joseph Smith actually had a gun during that shoot-out (that gun having been smuggled into the jail by Cyrus H. Wheelock who handed it to Joseph).  In all my years in the church, I had never heard that story.  But then, so much of what is told about the early days of the Mormon Church is mythical - just the "going like a lamb to the slaughter" line that is attributed to Joseph Smith as he was being taken to Carthage Jail, which is obviously completely untrue.

These are the types of things that the Mormon Church apparently sees as being "not useful truths."  They expect their members to simply accept their version of things and not question anything.  And if they do question, when they are given "the answer," they are supposed to accept it and not question anymore.  While I in essence did exactly that for a very long time, I finally got the point where I could no longer simply accept what I was being told.  I wish I had reached that point earlier in my life, but I'm very glad I finally reached it at all.  Sadly, there are many people in the Mormon Church who will never reach that point, who will blindly go along their entire lives, accepting everything they are told.  And that is very sad, indeed.

ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE INFORMED MIND

I have often thought about how incredibly wonderful it would be if Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was real, meaning the ability to have a procedure to remove from my brain the memories of certain people and events in my life.  Of course, the procedure turned out to create many more problems in the movie rather than solving them, proving not to be the great process that it was originally purported to be.  But isn't that the way it is with most things in life?  The grass is greener syndrome.

But still, at first glance, removing certain memories from my mind seems like a good idea.  Ones that have gotten caught in my consciousness and won't "let go."  Like my three ex-husbands.  Boy, would I like to forget them and what they put me through.  But of course, since my marriages to them permeated my life during my daughter's growing-up years, removing memories of them would also alter memories of those years in general, and I don't ever want to forget the wonderment surrounding her and being her mother.

And then, there are my many mind-numbing years as a Mormon.  What a can of worms that is.

But in reality, since what a person goes through becomes part of who they are, taking away any type of memories would alter the woman I am today - and I wouldn't want to do that either.  I am very proud of the woman who I have become, especially since I consider myself to be a very strong, competent woman who can take care of herself.  Without the experiences through which I have gone, though, I often wonder if I would have ever arrived where I am today.  Probably not.

One of the events that I have thought about including on my list for "Memory Expulsion" is my "Court of Love" which took place on April 11, 2002 and culminated in my excommunication from the Mormon Church.  But then again, even though it was an extremely humiliating experience, it did serve its purpose (and actually, it served several purposes).  At the time, I was going through a "crisis of faith," and I stupidly thought that perhaps if I "put myself right with the Lord" that I would also be able to come through that "crisis of faith" with my Mormonism intact.  At that time, I continued to hold on to what I had been told about "sinners" and their inability to have the "Holy Ghost" dwell with them.  You know... the prevalent Mormon theory that if there's something wrong, then it's YOU, not THEM or MORMONISM.  No, I bought the premise that all of the problems lie with ME, and that if I submitted myself to the process, and showed that I was ready to completely repent and do whatever was necessary to "make it right," then I would also be able to sort through what I had begun to discover about the history and certain doctrines of the Mormon Church. 

Some backbround.  In July 2001, I went on a Mormon Church History Tour with my then-husband.  His mother is a travel agent, and at the time, she was an annual organizer of these types of tours, having put together many during the preceding summers.  Since I had never been on one of these Church History tours, and didn't know very much about actual Mormon Church History, I decided that prior to going on this trek, I would do some reading and research so I would be more well-versed about certain historical events when we visited the key places.  What I began to discover, though, really "shook my faith," and I started to realize that I had been born and raised in a church with a very sordid history.  Of course, the more I discovered, the more I was also mad at myself for not doing reading and research about Mormon Church History prior to that time.  I had been a Mormon for 50 years at that point, so I began to feel very negligent in the way I had simply accepted everything about Mormonism from birth without actually researching on my own.

During this research period in 2001, not only did I discover the truth behind the many versions of the First Vision, but I also discovered that Joseph Smith wasn't really a religious martyr as I had been told over the years.  No, he was actually a criminal - and the reason he had been arrested and placed in Carthage Jail was because he had ordered the destruction of the Nauvoo Expositor printing press (and the burning of the building in which it was housed) after William Law and several other disaffected former Mormons had printed a story exposing the truth behind Joseph Smith's practice of polygamy.  When I discovered these facts, I began to realize that if I had been lied to about these events, then there was the very strong possibility that there were other very disturbing facts being hidden as well.  And boy, was I right.

So for several months before my "Court of Love," I struggled with what I had discovered about actual Mormon Church history.  In the same time frame, my then-husband (#3) and I were doing some things that were very questionable from a moral standpoint as far as the Mormon Church is concerned.  So while I was going through my "crisis of faith" because of what I had begun to discover about church history, I decided to "confess" certain things to my Bishop with my then-husband in tow.  In the process, he "confessed" as well, and naturally, the Bishop told everything we had said to the Stake President.  Before long, we were in the Stake President's office - and not long after that, we were told that we would need to have "Courts of Love."

As I stated above, the actual "Court of Love" was an extremely humiliating experience.  There I was, in the High Council Room in the Stake Center with 17 men - including the Stake President, his two counselors, 12 High Councilmen, my Bishop and my then-husband.  And when I say that I decided to "submit myself to the process," I mean that I told them my entire story, no facts withheld, from my first marriage (at 22 to a TBM RM who turned out to be a porn addict and who later was the cause of my daughter being exposed to porn at a very young age) to my second marriage (to a non-Mormon man who turned out to be verbally, physically and psychologically abusive... and who "converted" to Mormonism after 4 years of marriage when I was on the verge of leaving him) to my third marriage (to another porn addict... only now we're talking internet porn... as well as a sex addict and an alcoholic... and also a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who worked with teenage boys who were incarcerated for drug and alcohol problems... and with whom I ended up doing things that led to our being summoned there that day for the "Court of Love").  The things I told them that day made their eyes practically pop out of their heads because, believe me, I went in there with a "no holds barred" attitude.  I figured that if they wanted me to go through the "Court of Love," then I was going to give them their money's worth in addition to showing that I was, indeed, "submitting myself entirely to the process."  But more than anything, I remember the feeling I had during the time when I was in the High Council room with those 17 men.  Looking at them watching me, and listening to my rather sordid story, I couldn't help but think that they were actually simply "dirty old men" who were enjoying the details of my story and were somehow "getting off" on hearing what I had to say. 

After I finished telling my very sordid story, we took a short break before my then-husband's "Court of Love" was to begin.  When everyone returned and was walking back into the High Council Room, I began to walk back in there, too.  But then my then-husband turned to me and said that he didn't want me in his "Court of Love."  Of course, I was shocked because I had allowed him to attend mine - but when I told him that, he said that was my choice, but that his choice was to not have me in there for his.  I have often thought that he had things to tell these "gentlemen" that I didn't even know about - and that has always bothered me.  I mean, he knew everything about everything I had gone through, so to be told that I couldn't be there for his Court was very disconcerting to me.  To this day, I don't know what he said in that room, but I remain convinced that there was much, much more to his "story" than I know.

Of course, after the "Courts of Love" and the 15 men had met to consider our stories, we were told by the Stake President that we were both to be excommunicated.  At first, I was devastated - mainly because I had been Mormon my entire life and knew what typical Mormons think of people who have been ex'd.  I went through a very rough period for several months, and even separated from my then-husband for 6 months or so, but then I went back to my "Mormon place" and began to work on getting re-baptized.  That mindset lasted for a little over two years during which time the things we had done together continued to plague us to varying degrees, and because of that, the process was delayed over and over again.  Finally in 2004-2005, I started to face up to the fact that I had discovered deal-breaking information about the Mormon Church starting back in 2001 - and that's when I began to realize that my excommunication was actually a blessing.  So that's when my Mormon-ness began to shut down entirely, and I decided to leave well-enough alone and not seek to be re-baptized.  Best decision I ever made.

Looking back at my "Court of Love," I realize that it helped to cement my opinion that the Mormon Church is a male-dominated, male-oriented organization that deals in blatant double standards and tries to control people through guilt.  Making people feel like "sinners," and in particular making them think that they need to confess certain things to their Bishop and possibly their Stake President, and that depending on what is confessed, they may end up in a "Court of Love" is simply wrong.  In my opinion, this mindset shows a lack of boundaries, and is a total invasion of privacy.  I know that the reason I ended up in my "Court of Love" was because of the way in which I had been brainwashed over the years.  And it really pissed me off that I had succumb to the programming.

But regardless of that, here I am, 6 years later... and very happy with my decision to disassociate myself from Mormonism.  Of course, during the past 6 years, I have done even more research and have discovered even more about my religion since birth.  My catharsis has been aided by my writing 3 books - (1) one about my exit from the Mormon Church and my mountain of issues with it, and which is contained on this blog; (2) another one about my life in general, with obvious Mormon themes running through it; and (3) a third one containing poetry I have written over the years, including 6 "story poems" about various events in my life.  And it has further been aided by going on discussion boards at both PostMormon.org and the RFM board (at ExMormon.org), as well as attending the ExMormon Conference in SLC in October 2010.  Indeed, I am not alone.

And now, I'm blogging... in Outer Blogness where so many other ExMormons share their thoughts and experiences.  Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind may not be a possibility (and may not even be advisable), but I do know that Eternal Sunshine of the Informed Mind is a very powerful thing.  Discovering and uncovering what I have about Mormonism, and then ridding my life of its influence, has given me a new lease on life.  And talking about it all has provided me with the closest avenue to obtaining the peace and serenity that is alluded to in that process.

Yes, I'll take Eternal Sunshine of the Informed Mind every day... over blind submission to a religion that takes away actual thinking and all individuality.  As Oscar Wilde said, "A man who does not think for himself does not think at all."