THE MORMONS WON'T OPEN THEIR EYES - LDS Hymn Parody #25

The hymn Before Thee, Lord, I Bow My Head reminds me of singing in my Ward Choir, growing up in Fresno, California. My mother was the Choir Director for several years when I was growing up, and I started singing in the Choir when I was only 12 years old.  My mother really liked to sing this particular hymn, probably because of the way it is arranged with the women singing first, and then the men repeating the lines.  So this hymn brings back some very good memories of my mother (who passed away in 1977 when I was only 25 years old).

My parody of this hymn highlights (again) the fact that Mormons (IMO) need to open their eyes and realize that the religion to which they adhere is built on a huge stack of lies. To me, that realization was a deal-breaker. Interestingly, some active Mormons (on various discussion boards) have actually asked me that since all religions have lies laced throughout them, why should Mormonism be any different? And I have replied that although that may be true, that doesn't make the lies acceptable, in any form. To me, accepting lies as the basis for a religion is rationalization at its core. Of course, the apologetic-type websites are the epitome of this mindset. If the Mormon Church is indeed the "one and only true church on the face of the earth," then why does it need so many Mormon Apologists out there? -- such as FAIR (Foundation for Apologetic Information and Research - http://www.fairlds.org) and FARMS (Foundation for Ancient Research and Mormon Studies - http://maxwellinstitute.byu.edu/). It just doesn't make sense to me. And one question seems to remain - if what the Prophet says is the bottom line ("When the Prophet speaks, the debate is over"), then shouldn't that be the only basis needed for belief? Not for me, of course, but for all the TBMs out there...

THE MORMONS WON'T OPEN THEIR EYES

Sung to the tune of Before Thee, Lord, I Bow My Head, #158

The Mormons won't open their eyes,
Though it's not true, no big surprise.
They just believe no matter what,
But in a web of lies they're caught.
Right from the start, it was a ruse.
Why can’t they see there’s no excuse
For the deceit and what they say,
All of the games the Mormons play.

Their Prophet dear named Joseph Smith
Created it, just one big myth.
The Mormon Church is just a fraud,
It’s not inspired, not Word of God.
What happened to integrity?
Why all the lies, dishonesty?
They work to dupe the ones they can,
A horrible, destructive plan.

All negatives they simply hide,
Actual truth, they can’t abide.
Don’t listen to the evidence,
Cause after all, it might make sense.
Believe by faith, and do not stray.
Free agency given away.
Obey it all, let’s get it straight,
The Prophet speaks, no more debate.

And so I try to make them see
The many lies so clear to me
Though it is hard to talk to them
When what I say they just condemn.
Why don’t they think and use their brains?
Simply content to stay in chains.
Their minds are numb, don’t need a sign,
All Mormons walk the party line.

© Diane Tingen, 7/4/2011

DID YOU STOP TO THINK? LDS Hymn Parody #23

Another LDS Hymn Parody.  This one is set to Did You Think to Pray, #140, and highlights what happens when people simply attempt to shelve their doubts and try to be faithful in spite of all of the questions that are mounting in their brains.  My reaction to that situation was to simply put all my issues on a shelf and pretend they weren't there - to keep moving forward in the Mormon mindset without really analyzing or examining any of it in any detail.  For a very long time, I truly believed and followed the admonition that says, "When the Prophet speaks, the debate is over."  Not a wise move on my part at all.

When I finally did begin to do my own independent research, I was 50 years old and preparing to go on a Mormon Church History Tour.  I wasn't looking for anything to latch onto to fuel my impending apostasy, but rather simply wanted to know more about church history so I would be more versed when we visited the key places.  Boy, was that an eye-opener!  The more and more I read, the more I became convinced that it was a hoax from the very beginning, and that since then, the Church leaders have worked hard to perpetuate the fraud.

I will say that there had been things over the years that had bothered me.  And that is where my shelf came in handy.  Sticking those issues on that shelf and then trying to pretend they didn't exist did work for quite a while.  But once I added all the information about Mormon Church history to the pile, it began to fall.  For a while, I tried to hold it up and keep it all intact, thinking that perhaps I was misunderstanding it all - that if I prayed more, studied more, and tried to be even more faithful, that I would come to understand where my conclusions had gone wrong.  But in the end, that didn't work and the shelf came tumbling down completely.

Of course, TBMs (true, believing Mormons) don't agree with my views - and that is their prerogative.  But I truly hope that what I am presenting here will help them to open up their eyes and at least do some independent research so they will know what is contained in Mormon Church history and what its real doctrines entail.  Until a person does that, they cannot "know beyond a shadow of a doubt" (as so many Mormons say in bearing their testimonies) that what they are adhering to religiously is the Word of God - or that the LDS Church truly is the "one and only true church on the face of the earth." 

DID YOU STOP TO THINK?
Sung to Did You Think to Pray? #140
(aka Ere You Left Your Room this Morning)

When you read the Book of Mormon,
Did you stop to think?
Did you see anachronisms,
And the many contradictions,
Clearly out of sync?

(Chorus)
Oh, how thinking makes us stronger,
We must always sort it out.
So when questions keep arising,
Do not squelch your doubt.

When you heard about church history,
Did you stop to think?
Did you read yourself and study,
Not accepting every story
Each and every kink?

(Chorus)
Oh, how thinking makes us stronger,
We must always sort it out.
So when questions keep arising,
Do not squelch your doubt.

When you listened to the Prophet,
Did you stop to think?
When you heard what he professes,
Did you give up your own choices,
And completely shrink?

(Chorus)
Oh, how thinking makes us stronger,
We must always sort it out.
So when questions keep arising,
Do not squelch your doubt.

When your brain began to whisper,
"You should stop to think,"
Did you simply shelve the problems,
Watching them turn into volumes,
Closer to the brink?

(Chorus)
Oh, how thinking makes us stronger,
We must always sort it out.
So when questions keep arising,
Do not squelch your doubt.

When your doubts began to fester,
Did you stop to think?
Did you go into denial,
Trying hard to just be faithful,
And the Kool-Aid drink?

(Chorus)
Oh, how thinking makes us stronger,
We must always sort it out.
So when questions keep arising,
Do not squelch your doubt.

© Diane Tingen, 6/28/2011

MORE CRITICAL THINKING - LDS Hymn Parody #20

Burying your head in the sand.

The meaning of this phrase is:
"Refusal to confront or acknowledge a problem."

See: http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/80800.html and http://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/hide+head+in+the+sand

So in essence, "burying your head in the sand" is the typical response to people who don't want to face facts.  They would prefer to simply pretend that the facts don't exist.  Kind of like, "If I refuse to accept or acknowledge the situation, then it doesn't exist."  As in accepting the Mormon Party Line without question, study, research or any type of critical thinking whatsoever.

The theme of the last few ExMormon Hymn Parodies I have written have been the fact that in my opinion, Mormons need to do more actual thinking and utilization of their brains.  Basically, in my opinion, they need to stop burying their heads in the sand.  Accepting things that you are taught simply because you're told to believe is not wise.  Neither is blind faith.  Critical thinking needs to enter the picture. 

The song I Believe from the Book of Mormon Musical says in several places, "I'm a Mormon... and Mormons just believe."  To me, that is a frightening stance.  In essence, they are saying, "I believe because I believe."  Or "I believe this or that because I was told to believe it."  Or "I believe because when I think about these things, I get strong feelings that it is true."

But those are not adequate reasons to "believe."  No, what a person needs to be able to say is, "I believe because the evidence points in that direction, and from all indications, it is true."  Unfortunately, though, in Mormonism, the evidence actually points in the opposite direction, away from any type of truth.  But because Mormons "just believe," they accept a lot of the teachings, doctrine and history based on either lack of information or blatant misinformation.

Believing by faith is all fine and good, but when the actual evidence is stacked against the validity of the premise, it is not faith anymore but rather denial. 

And so, here is my latest hymn parody...

MORE CRITICAL THINKING

Sung to the tune of More Holiness Give Me, #131

More critical thinking,
More use of your brain,
More research and study,
More issues remain.
More questions to sort through,
More judgment involved,
More facing the quandaries,
More problems resolved.

More real independence,
More freedom to choose.
More options considered,
More seeing the clues.
More voicing opinions,
More free agency,
More investigation,
More lies they will see.

Less marching in goose-step,
Less toeing the line,
Less blindly obeying,
Less thinking it’s fine.
Less feeling exhausted,
Less doing the dance,
Less worn-out and weary,
Less caught in a trance.

Less mind-numbing teachings,
Less going along,
Less fraudulent doctrine,
Less shading what’s wrong.

Less trapped in denial,
Less scared just to think,
Less Mormons conforming,
Less close to the brink.

Less wading through bullshit,
Less dealing with crap,
Less stuck in the middle,
Less caught in a trap.
Less sorting through garbage,
Less on the defense,
Less going in circles,
Less nervous and tense.

More quiet reflection,
More feeling at peace.
More calm introspection,
More turmoil will cease.
More joyful and happy,
More blissful and free.
More sense of fulfillment,
More time to be me.

© Diane Tingen, 6/22/2011

TYPICAL OSTRICHES...
STICKING THEIR HEADS IN THE SAND,
THINKING THAT IF THEY CAN'T SEE THEIR ATTACKER,
THEN THEIR ATTACKER CAN'T SEE THEM...
OR IN OTHER WORDS...

OH, WHY DID I BELIEVE IT? LDS Hymn Parody #19

Questions.  So many questions.

Looking for the answers...

And when I finally found those answers, it was like a light bulb going off in my head.

The ultimate AHA moment.

Of course, once I realized that the answers I was looking for were that the Mormon Church is a scam and a fraud, I began to ask myself why I had believed it for so long.  I'm sure part of the answer to that question is the fact that I was essentially born and raised Mormon.  My parents were baptized when I was a baby, so I was programmed from a very early age.   And when it comes right down to it, I'm sure there's a huge amount of brainwashing involved.  Otherwise, why would people adhere to such bizarre beliefs?  Such as believing that Joseph Smith is a Prophet of God, and that he translated the Book of Mormon and the Book of Abraham when there is so much evidence indicating that both are elaborate frauds, harvested either from the very vivid imagination of Joseph Smith and/or plagiarized (and very possibly a combination of both).  None of it makes any sense.  Applying common sense to the equation puts it into the realm of fantasy.  And yet, people believe it.  Including me, for a very long time.  Until I researched and studied independently, on my own, away from the "authorized areas."  That's when I discovered the actual truth, and began to feel very betrayed.  To put it plainly, I had been duped.

So that is the premise of my latest hymn parody.

OH, WHY DID I BELIEVE IT?

Sung to the tune of O God, the Eternal Father, #175

Oh, why did I believe it?
It really makes no sense.
And when I stopped to question,
That’s when I took offense
For all the years I suffered
In silence, fear and dread.
The Mormonism drivel
Was not just in my head.

The fact that I discovered
That lies are laced throughout
Its teachings, so deceptive,
Of that, I have no doubt.
If only I had researched
And read more on my own,
I would have found out sooner,
And not felt so alone.

Oh, why did I believe it?
Completely full of lies.
And with the lies uncovered,
There was no compromise.
This obvious deception
Cannot be merely veiled,
My eyes are finally open,
The camouflage has failed.

Oh, why did I believe it
When it is clearly skewed?
The contradictions blatant,
What else could I conclude?
I’ve gone from disenchanted
To some place far beyond,
Much more than disillusioned,
The truth for me has dawned.

But when I finally saw it,
I really felt betrayed,
The fact that I’d been living
Amid this big charade.
The light bulb shining brightly,
I finally knew the truth.
But I was very bitter
That it absorbed my youth.

The bitterness is gone now,
I’m going on with life.
The future’s looking brighter
Without the pain and strife
That Mormonism garnered
Within my heart and soul,
And though I greatly struggled,

I’m finally feeling whole.

© Diane Tingen, 6/21/2011

Oh, now I get it...

IF YOU COULD HIE TO UTAH - LDS Hymn Parody #7

OK, with this addition to the ever-expanding ExMormon Hymn Book, I have completed my initial designated list.  What a sense of accomplishment!!  LOL.  Of course, that doesn't mean I'm done because I'm sure I will think of other Mormon hymns that need to be "revised" for parody purposes.

The hymn If You Could Hie to Kolob (#284) may seem a little obscure, but it is my feeling that it needs to be included because of its subject matter.  When I realized that Kolob is an imaginary place made up by Joseph Smith as he did his "translation" of the Egyptian papyri that became the Book of Abraham, this hymn began to have new significance for me.  After all, as I did my research on the origins of the Mormon Church, I quickly came to the conclusion that the whole thing was a product of Joseph Smith's imagination and plagiarization - and he was able to pass it off because of his "charisma."   The bottom line is that he was a shyster, con artist, charlatan, swindler, fake, etc., etc.  When I realized the reality of it all, it really upset me that I allowed myself to be taken in by this fake religion created by such a man.  A total fraud.  Rough Stone Rolling, my ass.

Very little is available in actual Mormon doctrinal discussions on Kolob - but here is a link to the scriptures from the Book of Abraham about this "imaginary" place (the BoA being the only place in "church doctrine" where Kolob is even mentioned).  Also, here is an interesting article from Wikipedia - and here is some information from MormonThink.com about the Book of Abraham and Kolob.

And below is my hymn parody of If You Could Hie to Kolob.  I've tried to include some of the verbiage from the original hymn, particularly toward the end, in order to maintain the over-all theme (for lack of a better word) of this hymn (and comparing the original to my version will make the satirization even more apparent).

IF YOU COULD HIE TO UTAH

Sung to the tune of If You Could Hie To Kolob, #284

If you could hie to Utah
And the Mormons were not there,
No missionaries tracting,
No one on Temple Square.
Do you think that Salt Lake City
Would seem more comfortable
Without the Mormons preaching
Their doctrines and gospel?

Look at the “grand beginning”
When con man Joseph Smith
Made up his own religion,
Creating such a myth.
Methinks that Joseph tricked them,
Defrauding one and all,
Translating so-called scripture,
Unmitigated gall.

The works of Mormonism
Displayed so blatantly,
Trickery and deception
Are very plain to see.

There is no end to bullshit,
There is no end to crap,
There is no end to drivel,
It is a mindless trap.

There is no end to nonsense,
There is no end to tripe,
There is no end to hooey,
There is no end to hype,
There is no end to blather,
There is no end to bunk,
There is no end to hogwash,
It is a piece of junk.

There is no end to crazy,
There is no end to trash,
There is no end to flimflam,
It’s simply balderdash.
There is no end to crazy,
There is no end to trash,
There is no end to flimflam,
It’s simply balderdash.

© Diane Tingen, 6/3/2011

And just in case you were wondering...

Supposed location of "Kolob" per the Book of Abraham.

  

Facsimile 2 (found with the papyri used to "translate" the Book of Abraham), showing depiction of "Kolob" at Center (Image 1).

 

   

Center of Facsimile 2 (above), showing "Kolob" at Image 1.

Seriously, just how ridiculous is this whole thing?  Total bullshit.  Luckily, however, I am now...

DEAR TO THE HEART OF THE MORMONS - LDS Hymn Parody #6

Here's my latest hymn parody - Dear to the Heart of the Mormons (revised from Dear to the Heart of the Shepherd, speaking of all the sheep out there).  With the completion of this hymn parody, I am checking off another one from my original list.  This is one of the hymns I mentioned last week when I began this project, and I think it is definitely apropos to be added to the ExMormon Hymn Book. 

In fact, as I mentioned before, this hymn was one that used to crack up my best friend growing up (who is still very TBM, even now) and I when we were teenagers.  We used to burst into laughter when we were sitting together, singing it in Sacrament Meeting. 

I mean, this hymn (in its original form) is just so dramatic, and the words are so overdone and cheesy.  I really think my new version is a big improvement...

DEAR TO THE HEART OF THE MORMONS
Sung to the tune of Dear to the Heart of the Shepherd, #221

Dear to the heart of the Mormons,
Dear are the sheep they entrap.
Held by the Kool-Aid they’re drinking,
And all the rest of the crap.
But to the anguish of Mormons,
Many are leaving the fold.

All the apostates and ExMos,
Finding the lies they withhold.

(Chorus)

Singling out all the Antis,
Who speak of lies and deceit.
Begging them, “Can’t you be quiet?

Why can’t you be more discreet?”

Dear to the heart of the Mormons,
Touting their lifestyle to all.
Claiming that the Word of Wisdom
Will help us all not to fall.
Saying Joe Smith was a Prophet,
Translating the Word of God.
But they don’t mention his history
Or that he was just a fraud.

(Chorus)

Condemning all of the “Antis,”
Who speak of lies and deceit.
Begging them, “Can’t you be quiet?

Why can’t you be more discreet?”

I was a part of the Mormons
For many years of my life.
I drank the Kool-Aid they offer,
I was an eternal wife.
But when I found the deception,
All of the lies that they tell,
Including the sordid history,
That’s when I bid them farewell.

(Chorus)

That’s when I joined the apostates,
Those who uncovered the lies.
Now unafraid to call bullshit,
Now less naïve and more wise.

© Diane Tingen, 6/2/2011

And one last word about Sheep...
ala Gary Larsen and his Far Side cartoon...

OH, HOW STUPID IS THE STORY - LDS Hymn Parody #3

Well, I've realized something... or rather, something has been confirmed.  And that is that I have a one-track mind, and am more than just a little OCD.  Once I start a project, I can't seem to put it down until it's finished.  Of course, I already knew this.  That has been the story of my life.  It's like when I began to discover that Mormonism is actually a fraud created by a con artist named Joseph Smith.  Bit by bit, I uncovered the pieces to the puzzle, and I couldn't stop until the entire puzzle was put together and framed. 

So it's really no surprise to me that after finishing one of these hymn parodies, my mind starts churning out another one.  Here is my latest addition to the ExMormon Hymn Book.

OH, HOW STUPID IS THE STORY

Sung to the tune of Joseph Smith’s First Prayer, #26

(formerly Oh, How Lovely was the Morning)

Oh, how stupid is the story
That they want me to believe.
And although I used to buy it,
I am no longer that naïve.
When I read about the history,
I could see how they deceive.
When I read about the history,
I could see how they deceive.

Being born and raised a Mormon,
I believed what I was told.
And I had a testimony,
Like about the plates of gold.
But confusion made me struggle
Till I saw it all unfold.
But confusion made me struggle
Till I saw it all unfold.

And the moment that it hit me,
I began to see the light,
And I knew with all my being
That the whole thing just wasn’t right.
I’d been duped, and I was livid,
I could feel my rage ignite.
I’d been duped, and I was livid,
I could feel my rage ignite.

Since escaping Mormonism,
And the messages they sent,
It’s so great without the feeling
That I’ve sinned and must repent.
Without always feeling guilty,
And the endless pure torment.
Without always feeling guilty,
And the endless pure torment.

Looking back, I still am livid,
7 years have come and gone.
But my interest in the quandary
Seems to linger on and on.
And perhaps the fascination
Will one day become a yawn,
And perhaps the fascination
Will one day become a yawn.

© Diane Tingen, 5/27/2011

Since the above hymn parody is based on Joseph Smith's First Prayer, Hymn #26 (fka "Oh, How Lovely Was the Morning"), I thought it was appropriate to include a couple of pictures of this "great event."  Of course, since there are at least 9 versions of the First Vision, the likelihood of it actually having happened are, in my opinion, slim to none.

This is a rendering of Joseph Smith walking in the Sacred Grove, presumably prior to receiving the First Vision.

And here is a picture depicting the actual First Vision... or rather, the 9th version of the First Vision, which is the "official" one used by the Mormon Church today.

What a bunch of malarkey.