Thinking some more about life and its meaning, I began thinking about the years when I felt as though I was in complete darkness, as though there was no light at the end of the tunnel in which I found myself. Very depressing. Looking back, I realize that these years were so dark because of the circumstances in which I was caught - such as during my second marriage to a man who was extremely controlling and became abusive to me, first verbally, then emotionally, and finally physically. And yes, those were depressing times - and after getting out of that situation, I did begin to feel better. But the darkness never really went away completely until I began to realize that it was actually much deeper than that because I was living my life as a Mormon, and that way of life wasn't making me happy. And though I kept trudging onward, I felt as though I wasn't getting anywhere worthwhile.
Finally, though, after discovering the truth about Mormonism, I began to feel better overall. Being essentially buried in its lies, contradictions, cover-ups and deceptions for all those years was very debilitating, constantly trying to rationalize my way through the maze. And in the midst of that journey is when I began seeing a light at the end of the tunnel in which I had been living my entire life. One of the best decision I have ever made was going on a Mormon Church History tour in the summer of 2001 - because that trip prompted me to actually study Mormon Church History to learn more so I would be more informed about key events and places. Of course, that was the beginning of the end for me as I discovered so much information that had evaded me for so long (or that I had simply ignored).
Sometimes good things come out of bad circumstances - and that was the case for me. It was during my ill-fated third marriage that I went on that trip, and it was basically because my ex-husband's mother was a travel agent who planned these trips every summer that I ended up going. So even though some seemingly bad things happened during my third marriage (including our joint excommunication), it brought on a series of events that lead to my discovering the truth behind the Mormon Curtain - and the light at the end of the tunnel where the darkness breaks into light. Very life-affirming.
Of course, Robert Lovell once said, "The light at the end of the tunnel is just the light of an oncoming train” - but hopefully, he's not right. On the other hand, someone else said (identity apparently unknown): "The light at the end of the tunnel is not an illusion. The tunnel is." And I prefer to agree with that philosophy.