Friday, June 3, 2011


OK, with this addition to the ever-expanding ExMormon Hymn Book, I have completed my initial designated list.  What a sense of accomplishment!!  LOL.  Of course, that doesn't mean I'm done because I'm sure I will think of other Mormon hymns that need to be "revised" for parody purposes.

The hymn If You Could Hie to Kolob (#284) may seem a little obscure, but it is my feeling that it needs to be included because of its subject matter.  When I realized that Kolob is an imaginary place made up by Joseph Smith as he did his "translation" of the Egyptian papyri that became the Book of Abraham, this hymn began to have new significance for me.  After all, as I did my research on the origins of the Mormon Church, I quickly came to the conclusion that the whole thing was a product of Joseph Smith's imagination and plagiarization - and he was able to pass it off because of his "charisma."   The bottom line is that he was a shyster, con artist, charlatan, swindler, fake, etc., etc.  When I realized the reality of it all, it really upset me that I allowed myself to be taken in by this fake religion created by such a man.  A total fraud.  Rough Stone Rolling, my ass.

Very little is available in actual Mormon doctrinal discussions on Kolob - but here is a link to the scriptures from the Book of Abraham about this "imaginary" place (the BoA being the only place in "church doctrine" where Kolob is even mentioned).  Also, here is an interesting article from Wikipedia - and here is some information from about the Book of Abraham and Kolob.

And below is my hymn parody of If You Could Hie to Kolob.  I've tried to include some of the verbiage from the original hymn, particularly toward the end, in order to maintain the over-all theme (for lack of a better word) of this hymn (and comparing the original to my version will make the satirization even more apparent).

Sung to the tune of If You Could Hie To Kolob, #284

If you could hie to Utah
And the Mormons were not there,
No missionaries tracting,
No one on Temple Square.
Do you think that Salt Lake City
Would seem more comfortable
Without the Mormons preaching
Their doctrines and gospel?

Look at the “grand beginning”
When con man Joseph Smith
Made up his own religion,
Creating such a myth.
Methinks that Joseph tricked them,
Defrauding one and all,
Translating so-called scripture,
Unmitigated gall.

The works of Mormonism
Displayed so blatantly,
Trickery and deception
Are very plain to see.
There is no end to bullshit,
There is no end to crap,
There is no end to drivel,
It is a mindless trap.

There is no end to nonsense,
There is no end to tripe,
There is no end to hooey,
There is no end to hype,
There is no end to blather,
There is no end to bunk,
There is no end to hogwash,
It is a piece of junk.

There is no end to crazy,
There is no end to trash,
There is no end to flimflam,
It’s simply balderdash.
There is no end to crazy,
There is no end to trash,
There is no end to flimflam,

It’s simply balderdash.

© Diane Tingen, 6/3/2011

And just in case you were wondering...

Supposed location of "Kolob" per the Book of Abraham.

Facsimile 2 (found with the papyri used to "translate" the Book of Abraham), showing depiction of "Kolob" at Center (Image 1).
Center of Facsimile 2 (above), showing "Kolob" at Image 1.

Seriously, just how ridiculous is this whole thing?  Total bullshit.  Luckily, however, I am now...

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