WELCOME, WELCOME, BRAND NEW MEMBERS - LDS Hymn Parody #13

Another hymn parody.  This one is in tribute to the Mormon Mindset...
drinking the Kool-Aid...
being a good little Morgbot...
toeing the Mormon Party Line...   

The original hymn is one I remember singing in Sunday School a lot in my growing-up years.  Of course, I also learned how to play this hymn on the piano early on, and then on the organ when I became Ward Organist.  This hymn has an upbeat tempo and a catchy tune, which I have always liked.  The message, though, is something else...

In thinking about this hymn, I am reminded of the seemingly endless Sundays that I spent in church as a young girl, a teenager, a young woman, and then an adult.  Indoctrination, pure and simple.  But as much as I tried to "follow the program," it was difficult for me because I always questioned things, and even though I was given supposed answers, those "answers" were in reality simply the Mormon Party Line.  That's it... drink the Kool-Aid... and everything will be just fine...

If I had been true to myself, I would have left the church a lot sooner than I actually did - but until my final crisis of faith (which began when I was studying in preparation for going on a Mormon Church History Tour in the Summer of 2001), I was much too concerned with what I thought people would think of me.  Indeed, I was programmed very well, and was very much the good little Morgbot.  I was definitely drinking the Kool-Aid back then.  Oh, I had questioned things now and then, but I had also successfully placed all my issues on a shelf that I tried very hard not to disturb.  But in the Summer of 2001, that shelf simply became too stacked with issues to withstand the weight of it all.  That was the beginning of the end for me.

And so, my revision of this beloved Mormon hymn...

WELCOME, WELCOME, BRAND NEW MEMBERS
Sung to the tune of Welcome, Welcome, Sabbath Morning, #280

Welcome, welcome, brand new members,
Glad you bought the party line.
Hurry, hurry, drink the Kool-Aid,
Everything will be just fine.

Soon the Bishop will confront you,
Ask you questions, privately,
Pry and prod about your habits,
Nosing in continually.

(Chorus)

Welcome, welcome, brand new members,
Glad you bought the party line.
Hurry, hurry, drink the Kool-Aid,
Everything will be just fine.

Mormonism, unrelenting,
You will not be left alone.
Mormons will be at your doorstep,
Or they will be on the phone.

Pay your tithing, don’t drink coffee,
And of course, no alcohol.
Mind your P’s and Q’s completely,
Or the Bishop soon will call.

(Chorus)

Welcome, welcome, brand new members,
Glad you bought the party line.
Hurry, hurry, drink the Kool-Aid,
Everything will be just fine.

Pay attention to the Prophet,
Just accept his every word.
There are many things confusing,
And some things will seem absurd.

But if you just follow closely
Everything you’re told to do.
You won’t have the time to question
And you just won’t have a clue.

(Chorus)

Welcome, welcome, brand new members,
Glad you bought the party line.
Hurry, hurry, drink the Kool-Aid,
Everything will be just fine.

Do not research independent,
Only read what is approved.
Anti-Mormon propaganda
Is conjecture, can’t be proved.

And of course, you must not linger
Too much on the Internet.
There are many evils lurking
So beware and don't forget.

(Chorus)

Welcome, welcome, brand new members,
Glad you bought the party line.
Hurry, hurry, drink the Kool-Aid,
Everything will be just fine.

The true church, the one and only,
As restored by Joseph Smith.
And although it’s hard to swallow,
Don’t believe, it’s just a myth.
It is simple, just don't question,
Just accept what you are told,
Though it's really mumbo jumbo,
Buy the bill of goods we've sold.

(Chorus)
Welcome, welcome, brand new members,
Glad you bought the party line.
Hurry, hurry, drink the Kool-Aid,
Everything will be just fine.

© Diane Tingen, 6/13/2011