In thinking about all this, I also realize that this all ties in with the fact that yesterday (October 4) was the 34th anniversary of my mother's death. So a year ago, it was the 33rd anniversary of her death - and that makes me also think back on the fact that when I started my blog, I began by posting the book I've written about my Exit from Mormonism and dedicating it to my mother (who I have missed every day for the past 34 years).
As I said in my first blog post...
The book contained on this blog is dedicated to my mother. She passed away in 1977 when she was only 64 years old (and I was 25). (NOTE: Since I am turning 60 in December 2011, she seems even younger to me today than she did back then.) Because of (my mother's) untimely death, I have always felt robbed of an adult relationship with her, and I have always wondered how different my life might have been if she had lived longer and been around for me to "garner wisdom" from her. She has always been somewhat of an enigma to me, especially now that I have left the Mormon Church. The woman who I knew as my mother was a very strong, independent woman who always seemed to have it all together. I have always admired those traits in her, and I have always felt that I inherted many of those types of mindsets from her. But she was also a devout Mormon - and that is a very big puzzlement for me.And I still hope so. As I stated in my book, in looking back at my parents' lives when they were baptized into the Mormon Church, they were dealing with my oldest brother Bobby who was born in July 1947 and who was mentally retarded from birth, as well as my second brother Jim who was born in July 1950, and me who was born in December 1951. My parents were baptized when I was 10 months old - so that would have been in October 1952. Taking into account what my father told me about my mother's struggles in accepting Joseph Smith as a Prophet (and the fact that my father told me that he accepted Joseph Smith from the very beginning), I question whether my mother in particular was taken in by the family-oriented aspect of the Mormon Church as well as their teaching that mentally retarded children are perfect (and therefore do not need to be baptized) and only come to earth to get a body. I'm sure that "knowledge" was very comforting for both my mother and my father at that time.
There are so many questions I would like to ask my mother, especially about the Mormon Church and her conversion at age 40, just a few months after I was born. My father lived to be 92 years old, and he passed away in 2006. About a year before his death, my father and I were talking and he told me that when he and my mother were investigating the Mormon Church, my mother had a hard time accepting that Joseph Smith as a Prophet of God - but that she finally was able to reconcile her feelings and decided to be baptized. I wish I could ask her what settled that issue in her mind, although to a certain extent, it still remains questionable to me that she actually ever did. Perhaps she joined the Mormon Church to please my father or because she thought it would be good for her children for her to have a unified religion with her husband (since he accepted it all from the "get-go"). I wish I knew her motivation - and perhaps, one day, I will. After all, I still believe in God and an afterlife - to me, those are Christian beliefs, and the Mormons don't have an exclusive claim on God-related doctrine or the belief in an afterlife. NOTE: I was still struggling with my "Christianity" a year ago, still holding on to a hope that everything I believed wasn't for naught. Now I'm much more of an Agnostic. I guess I still hope, but I'm less hopeful...
More than anything, I would like to discuss my exit from the Mormon Church with my mother, and I really wonder what her reaction would be to what I have discovered that has negated my beliefs in its doctrines. Perhaps I am being naive and engaging in wishful thinking, but in my heart, I think she would understand and would celebrate my growth and independent thinking. At least, I hope so...
Of course, I also remember my mother telling me once that her and my father almost got divorced in 1949-50. So the fact that they joined the Mormon Church in 1952 may have been an effort to keep their marriage together, at least on my mother's part. I have found it interesting to look back at the circumstances surrounding their "conversion" to Mormonism and try to figure out what was going on way back when.
I really wish I knew. Like I said before, perhaps one day...
No comments:
Post a Comment