OH, HOW STUPID IS THE STORY - LDS Hymn Parody #3

Well, I've realized something... or rather, something has been confirmed.  And that is that I have a one-track mind, and am more than just a little OCD.  Once I start a project, I can't seem to put it down until it's finished.  Of course, I already knew this.  That has been the story of my life.  It's like when I began to discover that Mormonism is actually a fraud created by a con artist named Joseph Smith.  Bit by bit, I uncovered the pieces to the puzzle, and I couldn't stop until the entire puzzle was put together and framed. 

So it's really no surprise to me that after finishing one of these hymn parodies, my mind starts churning out another one.  Here is my latest addition to the ExMormon Hymn Book.

OH, HOW STUPID IS THE STORY

Sung to the tune of Joseph Smith’s First Prayer, #26

(formerly Oh, How Lovely was the Morning)

Oh, how stupid is the story
That they want me to believe.
And although I used to buy it,
I am no longer that naïve.
When I read about the history,
I could see how they deceive.
When I read about the history,
I could see how they deceive.

Being born and raised a Mormon,
I believed what I was told.
And I had a testimony,
Like about the plates of gold.
But confusion made me struggle
Till I saw it all unfold.
But confusion made me struggle
Till I saw it all unfold.

And the moment that it hit me,
I began to see the light,
And I knew with all my being
That the whole thing just wasn’t right.
I’d been duped, and I was livid,
I could feel my rage ignite.
I’d been duped, and I was livid,
I could feel my rage ignite.

Since escaping Mormonism,
And the messages they sent,
It’s so great without the feeling
That I’ve sinned and must repent.
Without always feeling guilty,
And the endless pure torment.
Without always feeling guilty,
And the endless pure torment.

Looking back, I still am livid,
7 years have come and gone.
But my interest in the quandary
Seems to linger on and on.
And perhaps the fascination
Will one day become a yawn,
And perhaps the fascination
Will one day become a yawn.

© Diane Tingen, 5/27/2011

Since the above hymn parody is based on Joseph Smith's First Prayer, Hymn #26 (fka "Oh, How Lovely Was the Morning"), I thought it was appropriate to include a couple of pictures of this "great event."  Of course, since there are at least 9 versions of the First Vision, the likelihood of it actually having happened are, in my opinion, slim to none.

This is a rendering of Joseph Smith walking in the Sacred Grove, presumably prior to receiving the First Vision.

And here is a picture depicting the actual First Vision... or rather, the 9th version of the First Vision, which is the "official" one used by the Mormon Church today.

What a bunch of malarkey.

WHO IS THE MAN? - LDS Hymn Parody #2

Over the time that I've been writing poetry (and the occasional set of lyrics), I've discovered that when I start thinking about a particular topic in poetic terms, my brain just starts churning, and it doesn’t stop until whatever I’m writing is done.  Sometimes I think that's a curse because these thoughts tend to take over my brain, making it very difficult to do anything else.  Of course, having that happen makes me understand how many writers, musicians and other creative people tend to make their creativity the main focus of their lives, to the exclusion of a 9-to-5 job.  I would love to do that, too... but I like eating too much (that, and a roof over my head).

So here is my latest addition to the ExMormon Hymn Book.  I'm sure it will just be a matter of time before more twisted lyrics start popping into my brain...

WHO IS THE MAN?
Sung to the tune of Praise to the Man, #27

Who is the man who made up Mormonism?
His name was Joseph, and conning was his game.
He was a shyster beyond all description,
Fraudulent scams are his legacy and shame.

Chorus:
We can blame Joseph for all the deception,
He is the one who made up all the lies.
Finally I saw through the maze he created,
So glad I finally have opened up my eyes.

Who is the man who bedded Fanny Alger,
Starting the con that polygamy would be?
Yes, that was Joseph, he said God’s commandment
Was that his wives should number 33.

Chorus:
We can blame Joseph for all the deception,
He is the one who made up this big yarn.
Cover his ass was his main motivation
When Emma caught him with Fanny in the barn.

Who is the man who practiced Polyandry,
Married 11 of other men’s wives?
Joseph again, coercing all these women,
Plotting and planning as he messed with their lives.

Chorus:
Mormons now praise him, and call him a martyr,
Saying persecution is why he was killed.
But they won’t face that the truth is much different,
Simply a criminal, not as he is billed.

Who is the man who destroyed a printing press
When stories published exposed polygamy?
Yes, this was Joseph, he ordered the burning,
Nauvoo Expositor, demolished violently.

Chorus:
That is the reason that he was arrested,
That is the reason he was in Carthage Jail.
Armed with a shotgun when the mob attacked him.
So was he a martyr? No, that premise must fail.

Sadly, so much of the lies and deception
Will never dawn on most TBMs out there.
Instead, they buy what they’re told to believe in,
And anything “Anti” they’re told to beware.

Chorus:

Whatever happened to critical thinking?
Judge for yourself, and you’d see it’s all inane.
Evidence shows it’s just lies and deception,
It would be clear if you’d simply use your brain.

© Diane Tingen, 5/26/2011

Yes, sadly I bought into all this for a very long time... in fact, 52 years of my life.  Having been OUT for many years now, I feel lucky to have escaped the closed mindset that goes along with being Mormon.  After doing my own independent research, I discovered that it's actually a fraud perpetuated by Joseph Smith, and carried on by many others since his death.  Here's a few images to wrap up this new addition to the ExMormon Hymn Book. 

Joseph Smith, Founder,Prophet and Seer of the Mormon Church.

Joseph Smith "reading" the gold plates, which he later "translated" into the Book of Mormon.

Joseph Smith, placing his head in a hat to "translate" the Book of Mormon.

Some crazy shit.

I STAND ALL AMAZED - LDS Hymn Parody #1

OK, I've been thinking about this and have decided that the ExMormon community needs a Hymn Book.  So I've started working on re-writing some hymns that I grew up singing in Sacrament Meeting and Sunday School (and, of course, later on in Seminary and Relief Society).

I mean, really... I need to put some good use to all these LDS hymns still rolling around in my brain, which is something I just can't seem to stop.  Of course, part of the reason for that is I was Ward Organist for many years (and also played the piano in Relief Society and Primary).  Plus I sang in many Ward Choirs and Stake Choirs over the years (and also sang solos as well as in duets, trios and quartets).  In fact, for a few years, I was in the Southern California Mormon Choir (which is SoCal's answer to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir).  Music is the one thing I miss about going to church... but not enough to go back to the Mormon Church... or any other church at this point since it seems that I'm irrevocably burned out on organized religion in general...

So anyway, I think the ExMormon Hymn Book should include ones like:

The Spirit of God, #2 (my mind is already swirling with the possibilities, some of which will probably turn out to be slightly "blasphemous").

Praise to the Man, #27 (oh yes, I feel an ExMormon version of this one coming on.  I mean, praising Joseph Smith?  This "revision" should come very easily).

Come, Come Ye Saints, #30 (yes, the possibilities are endless, and I'm sure you know where I may go with this one).

Joseph Smith's First Prayer, #26 (which was previously entitled Oh, How Lovely Was the Morning when I was growing up.  And really, how could I pass this one up? - especially since it is now very obvious to me that the whole "First Vision" thing is a complete fabrication.  I mean, really?  9 versions?  Get real.)

Dear to the Heart of the Shepherd, #221 (I have to "revise" this one, mainly because it was one that always cracked me up when I was a teenager - my best friend and I sat together in Sacrament Meeting a couple of times when this hymn was sung, and we couldn't make it through much of it without breaking out in laughter.  Very strange indeed.).

If You Could Hie to Kolob, #284 (which I always thought was rather strange anyway, so creating "revisions" to it shouldn't be much of a stretch).  As it turns out, the recorded music for this one is not available on LDS.org because of "copyright restrictions."

And so many others... 

Anyway, the first one I've "revised" is I Stand All Amazed, #193.  This hymn has a particular significance to me, aside from the "religious" implications, because it had already been revised years ago by a girl who came to live with my family when she was 18, had just joined the Mormon Church, and had been thrown out by her very Catholic family (my mother was Relief Society President at the time, and took in some "stray" people from time to time).  Anyway, this girl "fell in love" with a boy who lived in our Ward, and began singing this hymn at home with the words, "I Stand All Amazed by the love Michael offers me."  I'm sure she made up other words at the time, but I don't remember anymore right now.  I was 12 at the time so remembering all details is rather difficult at this point.

So, without further ado, here is my Ex-Mormon version of this beloved hymn: 

I STAND ALL AMAZED
LDS Hymn Book #193

I stand all amazed at the crap Mormons pushed on me,
Confused at the lies that they buy into mindlessly.
I shutter to think that I once was a TBM,
That I once believed it, but now I’m not one of them.

Chorus:
Oh, it is wonderful
That I could see the light,
Enough to know what’s right.
Oh, it is wonderful,
Wonderful to me.

I marvel that finally I saw it’s a pile of crap,
So grateful to know I was able to spring the trap.
That I should extend my distaste for its doctrine now,
Sufficient to voice all its ills, this I do avow.

Chorus:
Oh, it is wonderful
That I could recognize
The fact that it’s all lies.
Oh, it is wonderful,
Wonderful to me.

I think of the years when I struggled to go to church,
Such torture, such hate and repulsion I do besmirch.
No, no, I will party and do what the hell I please,
Until I am falling down drunk at a few orgies.

Chorus:
Oh, it is wonderful,
That I am finally free
To live life blissfully.
Oh, it is wonderful,
Wonderful to me.

___________________________________________________

Well, I obviously have my work cut out for me in compiling an ExMormon Hymn Book.  But it must be done because a lot of these hymns are really crying out for revision.  And of course, I would love suggestions...

So I'll keep you posted on what comes to me... because I know it will happen (since that's just the way my mind works).